I Wasn’t Supposed to Share This: The Darkest Chapter of My Life

Billionaires in their 20s.
Champions holding trophies.
Travelers posting sunsets from five countries a month.

Scroll through Instagram and you’ll see them all.

And suddenly, it feels like some people just live perfect lives! 

But maybe it only looks that way?!

Everyone goes through dark times.
We just don’t like to talk about them…

A few months ago, I went through one of those dark chapters.
It was heavy. Messy. Full of stupidities.

I wanted to hide it and eventually even erase it from memory.

But I’ve come to believe these stories matter.
Not just the rise — but the fall.
Not just the wins — but what we learn in the darkest rooms.

So I want to share something very personal.

Not just for breaking the illusion of perfection.
But because one day, a crisis knocks on everyone’s door.

And when it does, I hope this will help you. 

To remember you’re not alone.

And that you still have power.
The power to choose your next thought — and with it, your next step.

The Grenade in My Chest

My body froze.
Blood stopped flowing.
My chest forgot how to expand. Oxygen? Gone.
It felt like every cell inside me was screaming…a scream with no mouth, no voice.

I thought I knew what shock was.
But I had no idea — not until that moment.

After the first shaky breath, I tried to pull myself together.
I walked to the bathroom. Shut the door behind me.
Took a few deep, deep breaths.
Washed my face with ice-cold water.
“Come on, man,” I told myself. “You’re trained for this. Wake up your inner Stoic.”

And I did it.
I held myself together that evening. Tight. Composed. Calm.
Except… I wasn’t.

The next morning, my body called my bluff.

Every muscle I’d used to hold back the tears — gave up.
Every wall I’d built to contain the rage — crumbled.
Every nerve felt exposed, raw, electric.

I used to think I was unbreakable.
That I’d seen worse.
That nothing could truly hurt me.

I was wrong.
I wasn’t Zen.
I was falling apart — with a grenade in my chest.

It was the opening scene of the darkest chapter I’ve ever lived. 

And the worst part?
I couldn’t tell anyone what was happening.

The Batman Within, and the One Who Came

Peace, love, compassion — all the gentle emotions inside me — overnight turned into disappointment, disgust, and anger.

I wanted to punish.
I wanted to break bones.
I didn’t want to wait for Karma to do its job.
I wanted to do it myself.

I was in rage.
And that realization… as scary as it was… thankfully, it held me back.

I was trained to avoid action in moments like this.

Because in rage, whatever you think — it isn’t you.
Whoever’s speaking inside your head — it isn’t your voice.
And the actions? They’re not yours either.

So I froze.
Did nothing.
Talked nothing. 
Met noone.
Just breathed.
Sat in my garden… and breathed.

I’ve heard it’s just a myth — that cats can feel your energy and come when you’re weak.
I’m not sure if it’s a myth anymore.

He appeared out of nowhere.
Every morning, like clockwork, he came.
Sat beside me.
Stayed through the silence, through the hours — until I left.
I called him Batman.

Behind the Scenes: Dancing Through the Rain

As August slipped away, September 10 was approaching.
Budapest.
The 45th Chess Olympiad — my third.

First as a player. Then a coach.
This time, just a guest.

Everything was booked.
Meetings were scheduled.
There was no way to cancel it all.

Budapest wasn’t at its best.
The skies were heavy. The mood even heavier.
And when I arrived, I didn’t bring any sunshine.
If anything… I added more clouds.

I was about to meet people, and I couldn’t let them see the storm I was carrying. 

So I did what a lot of people do when they need to hide pain fast.
I drank.

I’m not proud of that.
And I’m not sharing it as advice.
I’m sharing it because it’s the truth.

I know I’m not supposed to say this.
But it worked. Then. Only then.

When I was drunk, I’d discover something strange.
That deep inside — beneath the rage, beneath the pain — my soul was still clean.
There was kindness.
There was love.
When I was drunk, I’d forgive everyone. Everything.
Winter would melt.
And just for a while… there was spring.

So before each meeting — and there were many — I chased the spring.
A little hocus pocus.
Swap the black for white.
Darkness for light.

Have you seen our crazy dance with Sagar Shah at the Bermuda party?
Fun, right?

Now… the behind the scenes?

Pabaaaam.

And there was a behind the scenes before all the others — at my place, before I even stepped out of my room.

The Bill Always Comes

I survived Budapest.
All seemed fine…
Until I came home.

And then — the bill arrived.
Not from the hotel. Not from the airline.
But from my body. With interest. And it demanded to be paid — now.

The doctors I once refused to visit?
I was forced to.

My body had taken the wheel.
And it was screaming for help.

The cocktail of stress, depression, and alcohol didn’t just hurt my body — it wrecked my mind too.

When your body is sick, it sickens your soul.
And when your soul is sick, it poisons your body right back.

Welcome vicious cycle.

I hit the rock bottom. 

I was spinning inside it… with no map, and no exit signs.

But I knew one thing: I had to get out. 

Rising from the Ashes

And I did it. I got out!

I can proudly say — I’m at the peak of my life right now.

And looking back on those dark months…
I’m grateful for all of it.

Really — good thing, bad thing, who knows?

But it didn’t happen all at once.
It took time.
Momentum.
1% better each day.

There were people.
There were conversations.
Meditations. Walks.
A retreat. A mountain. Yogis. Monks.

Too many stories to fit in here.

But I’ll share them — one by one.

In the hope that they help you through your own dark chapters.

We all have bad days, sometimes months or years.
Don’t let anyone fool you — no life is perfect.
No path is without storms.

But no matter what happens…
There’s one thing no one can ever take from you:

The power to choose your next thought.

And one thought can lead to an action.
And one action — can begin a comeback.

You can rise.
From the ashes. From the spiral.

And become someone even more beautiful than you were before the fall. 

With best wishes and love,
GM Avetik (or Avo, as my friends call me)

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